THE TRUTH IS I HATE WINTER
1-25-08

 

I have always been proud of my mind power. I quit smoking without a prescription or hypnosis. I made an “A” in grad school statistics after failing algebra in high school. I quit George Dickel and honkytonking without joining a support group. But two things have made me realize I am a weakling.

 

One was last summer. It was so hot I would hardly get out of the house. My son told me a story that made me feel even weaker:

 

A Texan died and went to the devil’s little hot hole in the ground. The first day he was there, the old devil himself went to welcome him and was surprised to see him still dressed in his business suit reading a book. He asked the Texan, “Aren’t you hot?” and the guy answered, “Oh no, it gets much hotter than this in Dallas.”

 

This made the devil mad so he went to the thermostat and turned up the heat. He went back by the Texan’s room and he had taken off his coat and tie. “Are you hot now?” he asked and the Texan said, “Oh no. This is mild compared to Dallas.”

 

The devil flew into a rage and turned the thermostat up as high as it would go. He went back to the Texans room and he was sitting in his bathing suit, fanning with his book. “Surely you are miserable now,” the devil said. The Texan replied, “Well it’s just like Dallas where I sometimes have to come back from the swimming pool to the house and fan a little while.”

 

This pushed the devil to the limit and he ran to the thermostat and turned it down to sub-zero. He ran back to the Texan’s room and found him jumping up and down and clapping. “What are you so happy about?” he asked and the Texan said, “The Rangers have won the World Series!”

 

This Texan made me realize what a sissy I was in dealing with last year’s heat and my ten year old friend, Dahlia, from Alabama finished me off by telling me about Harbin, Alaska.

 

The temperature in Harbin reaches forty below zero and stays below freezing nearly half the year. So what do the people there do every winter? They hold an outdoor festival! They have ice and snow sculpture competitions. I am afraid they are all one snowball shy of a snowman.

 

I decided to use the power of my incredible mind one year and think myself into loving winter.  I even afflicted you with a touching column titled “Wintertime in Tennessee.” I extolled the beauties of naked trees with icicles shimmering in the summer sun, the brisk feeling of winter air waking us up and making us want to take brisk walks, the breath-taking beauty of frost on green grass, and even wrote a tribute to snow:

 

I love snow.

I think it's because

it let's me know

winter has the power

to cover doggiedoo

in an hour.

 

Every flake screams,

"Make some snow cream!

Get out of the house!

Let us tickle your nose

and cool off your toes!"

 

While I do not doubt

the Eternal Power

it helps to see

in just one hour

how everything

can look and be

pure and white

in front of me.

 

Snow's a magic 

trick of God

a heavenly divining rod

to see down deep

inside of you

how much little girl or boy

can still shine through.

 

I like snow.

It helps me know

that I, too

may become brand new.

 

Folks, I apologize. I was just trying to ratchet up my mind so it would lie to me and tell me I love winter. But my skin won. In the great battle between my epidermis and my mind, my epidermis won and is now dancing around the ring celebrating. It has now silenced my lying tongue.