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Dalton
Roberts |
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There was an old song that said, “Cigareets (yes, that’s the way the song went) and whiskey and wild, wild women they’ll drive you crazy they’ll drive you insane.” Well, I am here to tell you that clean living can sometimes drive you up the wall. Sour mash liquor and I were bosom pals for a healthy chunk of my life. After years of hand-to-hand combat, it finally whipped me. But I’ll say one thing for old Jack and George and Ezra: they made me sleep like a baby. Now I go to bed at just about the time I was shifting into second gear in the old days. I read a good book and peacefully ease off to sleep in an hour or two. Then in three or four hours I wake up as wide-eyed and bushy-tailed as a squirrel at daybreak. I am teeth, hair and eyeballs for hours, staring at the ceiling as if there is something going on up there. I keep waiting for the movie to start but it never does. I am lucky if I see one lonely little spider. In all fairness to sour mash, I will say this -- when it puts you to sleep, you stay asleep. As you would expect, I sought medical attention for this 3:00 in-the-morning squirrel-like behavior. Strange conditions call for strange doctors so I went to see old Doc Findley. I like to go to older doctors because they call me “son,” and sure enough, Doc said, “Son, this is a condition brought on by clean living. After years of heavy smoking, your lungs are not accustomed to oxygen. You must give them time to adjust to it. Your liver is not used to pure drinking water. For years it has struggled to filter the alcohol and charcoal out of sour mash. Just be patient. They are finding it hard to believe you are living right.” Even on nights when I sleep 7 or 8 solid hours, I rouse up between 5:00 and 7:00. It infuriates me. All the years I worked at semi-gainful employment and used an alarm clock to blast me out of bed, I often said, “How great it will be when I no longer have to report to work at 8:00 and can sleep as late as I wish.” Now that I can, I can’t. I put real heavy drapes over the windows and turn off the phone but no later than 7:00, the squirrel comes swinging to the coffee pot. Once again Doc said, “This, too is directly related to clean living. When you were a night crawler and your lungs and liver were fighting to keep you alive, you needed more rest. Most of my patients would be thrilled to wake up early every morning without an alarm clock and here you are fussing about it.” One of the biggest frustrations brought on by clean living is that your mind becomes clear and alert and you know what is going on in the world. A recovering alcoholic told me just the other day, “When I returned from lala land and saw all the hideous things that are going on, I realized that was why I started drinking in the first place. Nothing looks too bad through an alcoholic haze. Then when you have a hangover, your entire attention is fixed on your own pain and you still do not see the mess in the world.” I am glad he said that. It made me decide to take old Doc Findley’s advice and try to get used to clean living. A great songwriter named Jack Blanchard said it so well I will just let him say it for me: “I smoked and drank my share in early life and I’ve retired from all that hilarity. It was too much work anyway.
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