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Dalton
Roberts |
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With the football season cranking up, I feel obligated to my brothers and sisters to start a new group called Nonchalant Sports Observers. Unless you achieve the art of nonchalance in your enjoyment of sports, the venom you create will hurt you a lot more than it will harm the teams you wish to curse. I was once a frenzied fan of the Braves, the Big Orange and the Tennessee women‘s basketball team. But living in frenzy is hard on your adrenalin glands, your friends, your family, your furniture and your big toe. Yes, I almost broke my big toe one time kicking the TV when the Big Orange lost to the Gators. If I hadn’t developed the art of sports nonchalance, I would have hurt it again last Saturday. Listen my friends, I am trying to save you from hurting someone, especially yourself. The word “fan” is a condensed form of the word “fanatic.” Fanatics are dangerous. They paint their whole bodies for games, wave hatchets in the air, get drunk and scream fumes in your direction that would wilt an oak tree. We must find ways to temper their venomous adrenalin eruptions. Just today I got a volcanic, nasty email eruption. It’s a harbinger of the toxic sludge created by southeastern conference football. I will give you the questions and answers in this email with my calm commentary so you can see the advantage of becoming a Nonchalant Sports Observer. Q: What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? A: Drool Listen, I am from Alabama. Born in the peaceful hamlet of Decatur. How dare you make it appear that Alabamians are dumb. If I could get my hands on you right now, I would make you think dumb, Buster! It’s people like you they had in mind when they invented capital punishment. Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room. A: A full set of teeth Man, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. You’re killing me! Please come to the Comedy Catch so I can see you in person. Q: How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader in your dorm room? A: Grease her hips and push. Ha ha! I can believe that. I’ve never seen such huge corn-fed prairie dogs. And their girl’s basketball team looks like female wrestlers. You’re right on target with this one. Q: How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a girlfriend? A: There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup. This one infuriates me. My pal, Bill Findley, Jr., coached their girl’s soccer team and he has more class in his little finger than you have in your whole body. If you mouthed off like this around Bill or me, you’d get a mouthful of knuckle pie. Are you listening, you Texas A&M flunkout? Q: Why is the Kentucky football team like a possum? A: They play dead at home and get killed on the road. Hilarious, man! I keep wondering how they get people to show up for the games. Are they serving free barbecued possum? Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week. That’s it! That’s it, now! You better be happy I am a member of the Nonchalant Sports Observers or I’d come after you like a lion goes for a crippled fawn. It’s people like you who give sports a bad name. I wouldn’t need steroids to twist you like a long skinny balloon. What you need is to be gut-punched so hard you cough up your toenails and I’m just the man to do it. Your membership application for the Nonchalant Sports Observers is acknowledged and unanimously rejected, you jerk! ******** DR's writings are gathered at www.ipsfeatures.com.
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