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Dalton
Roberts |
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Betsy Bramlett is a super PR person but she serves a larger purpose for me. She keeps me informed about little news items that often escape the big media folks in these parts. For example, I would have never known someone vandalized a Port-O-Let up the road in Cleveland if Betsy hadn’t been on her toes. Betsy commented, “They must be really bored in Bradley County.” As an aside, I love the word “vandalized.” It comes, of course, from the root word “vandal” and the Vandals were an East Germanic tribe that ravaged Spain and sacked Rome in 455 A.D. To their credit I must say they never ravaged a Port-O-Let. One question keeps buzzing my head: what is there in a Port-O-Let to vandalize? I guess what we have here is a seat stealer. In the case of a Port-O-Let that is a serious offense. When you steal the seat from a Port-O-Let, you have basically rendered the whole thing useless. How could anyone get that bored in the great city of Cleveland, Tennessee? I’ve been there many times. Never once has it entered my mind to swoop down on a Port-O-Let. Ever now and then I pick up “the bard of Birchwood,” Hoyt Branham, and we go to Diamond Lil’s on the square there in Cleveland. Hoyt is not excessively stimulated by the pace of life in the metropolis of Birchwood and I have never been over-excited by activities in downtown Watering Trough so a trip to the big city of Cleveland is a treat for these two old country boys. Never once has Hoyt said, “Why don’t we vandalize a Port-O-Let while we’re up here in Cleveland?” We are perfectly enchanted with the cornbread there at Diamond Lil’s. After a two-year study of country food restaurants in this area, I listed Diamond Lil’s cornbread as “the best in the Tri-State” in a big fancy food column I wrote for the old Chattanooga Times. I like to meet Polk County schoolteacher Mary Anne Carlock at Ocoee Inn. If ever there was a piece of heaven on Earth, it is right there at Ocoee Inn. To dine on their fine food while looking out on the lake removes all thoughts of making off with a toilet seat. If those painfully bored characters that hit that Port-O-Let really want some excitement, let them raft down the Ocoee River. It is the top whitewater river of the southeast. Recently I interviewed six young rafters who were still teeth, hair and eyeballs a half hour after running the rapids and asked, “Would you like to pillage a few Port-O-Lets now to top off your day?” They yawned in my face. If fishing is the vandalizers’ big turn-on, let them take a boat out on the Hiwassee River and allow the bass to whiplash their arms and shoulders. It is the first designated State Scenic River and a paradise for canoeists, fishermen, hikers and nature photographers. If they are still bored at this point, on a Saturday night they might check Cleveland nightspots and go hear Sam Hill play a guitar. He is in his seventies now but still one of the best country-rock pickers in this part of the country. If philosophy is the big rush for these john pilferers, by all means they should run down Cleveland’s resident guerilla philosopher, Donnie Jenkins. He can give you 27 different ways to look at anything, including pitiful specimens with a Port-O-Let fixation. I have collected gourds for a long time and he has one of the most interesting ones I have lucked upon. It may sound extreme but I think we should expand our capital punishment laws to include Port-O-Let vandals. Anyone who will do that will do anything and they need to be put to sleep. I can’t prove it but I feel sure they are the jaybirds that stole grandma’s false teeth.
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