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Dalton
Roberts |
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Did you read L.M. Boyd’s column about the average woman receiving 2.5 marriage proposals in her life? That didn’t surprise me. What did was the remark of the woman who claims she got 14. Are you ready for this? She said, “Men sometimes say things at breakfast they don’t really mean.” Who looks good enough at breakfast to elicit a marriage proposal? Even in my most suave and debonair years when I could make young hearts flutter and you could hurt your fist punching me in the stomach, I would often scare myself in the morning when I walked by a mirror. The hair alone is enough to repel a serious infantry attack. I have had some gorgeous ladies but none of them were knockouts over that first cup of coffee. As much as I loved some of them, the thought of matrimony would have never entered my mind until a more romantic time of day. Face it: morning is not the time to plan a lifetime of marital bliss. My counsel to unmarried damsels is to never accept a marriage proposal before, during or after breakfast. You simply do not want to get tied up with a man that desperate. He’s bound to have a fixation on his mother in bedroom slippers or have a horrible fungus. Insist on medical and financial reports as well as a complete psychiatric examination. You will find you are dealing with a leper, a financial disaster area or a bozo on weekend leave from a mental facility. By all means, do not ride in a car with him. There is a definite possibility he is blind or has severely impaired vision. Make it clear you are not going anywhere with him unless you drive. Ask him to follow your finger. Move it from right to left then toward his eyes and see if the pupils contract. Think of how embarrassed you’ll be at the wedding if he walks right past you and kisses your mother. If you don’t think you look all that bad in the morning and question my advice, do me one favor. Get someone to take your picture when you first arise for seven mornings. Get the snapshots blown up into 8X10s. Take them to him and say, “Are you sure you want to marry me? I am going to give you a few days to look at these before accepting your proposal.” If you ever hear from him again it will likely be a postcard from Mexico. Ladies, there’s one exception to this advice. You may really have reasons to want an ugly husband like I once wanted an ugly wife after a particularly pretty one fell through the cracks in our humble abode. I wrote it up in a song titled “Uglier Than Me”: I’m gonna find me a woman uglier than me Then I won’t worry when she’s gone I’ll stay out all night and come home and dawn And I won’t care if she’s not home Our kids will all be ugly But that will be just fine At least for the first time I’ll know they’re mine I’m gonna find me a woman uglier than me Then if she leaves me I won’t mind. I’m gonna find me a woman uglier than me And when I say ugly that’s exactly what I mean She can’t make me jealous, sad, mad, or mean I mean the ugliest woman that you’ve ever seen I discovered as a young boy The uglier they are The more they fog the windows On the inside of the car I’m gonna find me a woman uglier than me You can have them models and movie stars If you’re not purposely seeking an ugly mate, just be careful. Understand that it may be as much as a year before you will love each other enough to just mildly gasp when you sit for that first cup of coffee. Thank goodness for love-tinted glasses.
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