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Dalton
Roberts |
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Is it just my imagination or are more people playing that Ain’t It Awful game? It is extremely rare for someone to walk up and start talking positive about anything. It’s always some form of Ain’t It Awful. I have been asked by the Ain’t It Awful people to draft suggestions so they can get better at the game. I have reluctantly agreed since it seems to be the only game in town. The most important thing by far is to keep your self feeling miserable. You cannot make other people miserable unless you are miserable yourself. Look back over your life at every injustice you have experienced. Take each picture into your inner photo lab and blow it up to poster size. Look at each one until you cry or at least snub and sniffle. Engram these pictures into the very cells of your brain. Check your body every morning for the things that don’t feel good. Before your first cup of coffee tell someone how bad you feel and exactly which parts are hurting the most. Completely ignore any parts that feel good. It’s enough to know they will most likely be hurting tomorrow. Learn the big medical terms for all your conditions. Don’t say, “I have arthritis.” Say, “I have osteoarthritis with poly myalgic rheumatica.” Paralyze people with a recitation of all your symptoms. By all means, buy a good medical dictionary. To win Ain’t It Awful, you must sound scientific and dazzle people with your vocabulary. Once you are acutely aware of every ache and pain, and able to describe it in convincing scientific terms, you are almost ready to hit the streets and play the game. To supplement your own personal bad news, read the paper and note the worst things in it. Write them down on a little 3X5 card and peek at it all day long. The brain is a big thing and you don’t want to bury all your bad news way back in the rear of it. Keep all the really bad stuff fresh, right up in the frontal cortex. Always notice the worst parts of the best things. You might run into a knee-jerk positive thinker and as soon as you tell him how rotten you feel, he will say something like, “But isn’t this a gorgeous spring day?” When it’s sunny, talk about the unbearable heat. When it’s rainy talk about the slick, soppy ground and the danger of flooding. Don’t let anyone get away with good news. If they say, “Aren’t those roses beautiful?” tell them about Aunt Alice sticking herself with a thorn and getting blood poison. Didn’t she have to get her right thumb amputated? How awful! Scrutinize people for their worst sides. “Scrutinize” is a strong word. It means “dissect,” like you did that frog in high school biology. Keep digging until you ferret out the worst. If you can find something so bad it hits everybody upside the head like a wet squirrel, keep going back to it no matter how long the conversation lasts. Say, “I know he’s a deacon now but don’t forget that he smacked his grandmother so hard he knocked her false teeth down her throat. I’ll never have any use for that man.” Spend just enough of your time with Ain’t It Awful people to keep your skills razor-sharp but always remember it is the happy people who need you. They will never learn to play the game unless you show them how much fun it is. Smear a little limburger cheese on your upper lip and place a large gravel in your shoe to keep you mentally focused on the game. Carry a pickle in your pocket, biting small pieces from it when you are tempted to smile. At the end of the day, think of the one person you met who most excelled at Ain‘t It Awful, and give them the rest of the pickle.
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