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Dalton
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Linda Burton of Seattle was one of the more helpful responders to my column on the importance of friends. She pointed up the value of having several kinds of friends and not depending on one close friend to meet all our needs all the time. Most of us are fortunate enough to have a “best friend,” one so close we seek them out when we are in any kind of turmoil. How human it is for us to place all our eggs in that one basket. However, no one person can meet all our friendship needs at all times. Linda cites Sidney Simon’s book, Getting Unstuck, for a list of the range of friends we might need in different kinds of life quicksand. There are the chicken soup people who comfort and pamper you in your hard times. Some people are actually nurtured by providing nurture to others. So many champion nurturers learn the craft by going through great trauma. The TV show, America’s Most Wanted, was the outgrowth of the grief of a father whose son was killed by a pedophile. The show has led to the capture of dozens of dangerous criminals. Valuable, too, are the comic relief givers. These are the make-you-laugh people. Some of them are so zany that their very zaniness catapults you out of the bottom on your emotional well. Many Native American tribes had their tricksters who diverted attention away from solemn situations, giving everyone a moment to find the aplomb to face the realities of life. Another valuable type of friend is the great distracter. They may not have the depth of emotion you seek in a real close friend but they love to do things with you like going to a movie or playing cards. Simon calls another type “the crisis corps.” This kind is not caught up in your emotional blender but just calmly supports you and helps you sort out the pieces. I have such a methodical friend who never gets upset and can analyze the storm when it is blowing coconuts down on my head. They seldom lose their cool. Then there are the listeners. How rare they are! You would expect such a simple skill to be widespread among your acquaintances but most people cannot sit still and just listen. The recitation of your problems only stirs up their memories of similar problems they have faced. While you sit there sizzling in the skillet of your personal pain, they let you know real fast that you know nothing about pain. It is supposed to give you consolation to know they have suffered more. Another kind of friend who can be immensely helpful is the door opener. They know the network of social agencies and experts available for different kinds of crises. Political activists often are skillful at connecting you with the exact service or specialist you need. Then there’s the “down-and-dirty-a-few times-myself” kind of friend. They have been through the same situation you face and survived. Call upon your memory to recall persons who have been clawed by the same bear that is sitting on you. Most people who have been severely injured have an extra dimension if empathy to offer. The list is made complete by having just one unconditional accepter. They could be a person you might view as flawed but the last thing you need when you are crawling out of a crocodile swamp is a moralizer. In such a situation, we are usually drowning in a surfeit of guilt over our bad decisions or choices and we do not need a trip to anyone’s woodshed. You cannot realistically expect one “real friend” to be all of these things. We tend to do that without considering how carefully we select medical specialists when our health is in peril. Select the friends you are going to trust with your emotional health as intelligently as you choose those to care for your body.
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