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Dalton
Roberts |
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I love the Times Free Press but we have a responsibility to constructively criticize things we love (except wives) and here’s my main criticism of my beloved paper: we do not cover the most exciting news. To catch up on “all the news that’s fit to grin,” I have to buy those supermarket checkout counter publications like The Globe, National Enquirer and Weekly World News. Speaking of wives, can you believe this paper didn’t print one line about a woman spontaneously combusting at the altar right here in America at St. Michael’s Church in Cambridge, Massachusetts? The Weekly World News sub-headline says, “She said ‘I do” then – WHOOSH!” In her defense the article does say had been upset and angry for weeks and it just kept building up in her. I know how she feels. I have come so close to flaming out that I would never judge a person who cranked it up a notch and whooshed right on out of here. All she left behind was a wedding ring and a scorched husband. Neither did we carry anything on the workers who got so tired of a fellow employee who would never shut his mouth that they cut out half of his tongue. The poor guy can only whistle now and he whistles all day long. Maybe he can get away from those cruel co-workers, take Humming 101 to go with his whistling and become a dentist. How could we overlook a story that might actually cost our lives? I am talking about the Space Alien Cookbook found in a wrecked spaceship in Argentina. Cryptzoologist Dr. Ned Finley said the aliens see Earth as “just one big grocery store and we are the prime beef!” Most of the recipes feature humans as the main dish. Hungarian Goulash calls for a Hungarian so I need not tell you what’s in Canadian Bacon. Here we are about to be eaten and not a word of warning in the local media. I wrote a song I now see as prophetic titled “Missionary Stew.” I am pictured on the cover in a big vat of boiling water but I was joking. I never dreamed that any day we could end up in some alien’s pot. One story makes me think I really know the person described therein. It deals with a shapely mermaid in Australia with shark-like teeth. She has already eaten five men. One man who survived, losing only a chunk of his chest and his left buttock, got a close look and swears she is a beauty except for needing to see an orthodontist. If she ever gets in the river around the aquarium it could bring our waterfront progress to a standstill. I hope the mayoral candidates will address this threat. They’ve addressed less important dangers. These wonderful newspapers that give you the stories no one else will print are not all blood and gore. No siree. There was a touching little human-interest story about a lady who had a baby on a McDonald’s parking lot. That’s right, she’s going to name him Little Mac! For the religiously inclined, there’s a touching story about Ferdinand the Parrot who has memorized the whole Bible. His trainer took him to church and his pastor pronounced it a miracle but wondered why the man didn’t toilet train him while he was doing miracles. It also aggravated him that Ferdinand stopped so often for a cracker. The closest the Times Free Press has come to this kind of exciting news was the story on Curtis Adams becoming a Republican. Now that was a hoot. Maybe there’s a simple explanation like wanting to run for county executive and smelling Republican money. Or Curtis just wanting his picture in the paper one more time. If I was Curtis I’d lay low for a while. If those aliens land here they’ll be eating more Republicans than Democrats. They’ve got more meat on their bones.
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