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Dalton
Roberts |
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My column last week on de-cluttering brought the clutterbugs out of the woodwork from Tennessee to Kansas. They are all aflutter over clutter. As usual, when I get a lot of responses to a column with good ideas to share, I like to do a follow-up piece. In the replies categories of clutterers emerged. First, there are the hiders. Two ladies from Kansas, Naomi and Carol, confess to being hiders of clutter. Naomi says, “My house is light and cheerful and every room uncluttered. But don’t look in the dresser drawers!” Ladies, I must tell you that most of what you are hiding is useless. Once when I was county executive I cleaned off my desk and put all of it in a big box in a cabinet. Months later I remembered and shuddered that I might have buried a contract or important document. I quickly went through the box. There was not one significant piece of paper in it. Carol only hides hers until the cleaning lady is out of sight. She hires her for the specific purpose of forcing herself to clear clutter. The day the cleaning lady comes, she frantically grabs up her clutter and hides it from her. It would be so embarrassing for the cleaning lady to see clutter. Another category is the proud clutterers. Betsy writes “dull women have immaculate homes.” Why feel guilt over clutter when you can feel superior to the non-clutterers. Strange as it may sound, she might be right. Dull people don’t take magazines, read newspapers, work puzzles, read four books at once and all those things we gifted clutterbugs do. That is why they are dull. To drive her point home, Betsy tells how her house once got cluttered with magazines and publications on de-cluttering. It’s like a recovering alcoholic keeping a jug of liquor in every room of the house to stay sober. Betsy wants to start an organization similar to AA and call it Packrats Anonymous. I can just see her standing up at a meeting and saying, “Hi, I’m Betsy, and I am a packrat.” Everyone chants back, “Hi Betsy, we love you unconditionally no matter how big a mess you make.” One requirement of membership, she insists, is that members will go to the homes of other members and de-clutter for them. It will be a lot easier for them to throw away that old high school annual you keep sticking right back in the bookcase. Joyce asks, “Why didn’t you rent a storage unit instead of piling up all that stuff?” Listen, dear, I rented one and paid $45 a month for it. One hot day when I went there to get something and the stifling heat nearly rendered me unconscious, I looked around asking myself what items in there were worth $45 and could not see a one. I loaded it all up and hauled it to my basement. There it rests peacefully and economically. Joyce is not only a storer she is a non-repentant clutterer. She says, “If people don’t like the way you don’t keep house, invite them to stay home.” Thanks to those who emailed. You may have made me a rich man by making me think about the ultimate solution. I am going to start Home Suction, Inc. I will get Hoover to make me a vacuum cleaner powerful enough to suck the wallpaper off the wall. When people get sick of their clutter, I will insist that they sign a contract to let me handcuff them to their car bumper while I stick the snout of the vacuum in the window and suck out all the clutter. To keep them from changing their mind and chasing the truck down the street begging me to return their precious stuff, I will leave them handcuffed until I take it to an incinerator. Clutterers of the world, relax. Help is on the way.
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