|
|
Dalton
Roberts |
|
|
|
Today is Millard Fillmore’s birthday and I am as excited as I was when Grandpa let me milk the cow. Millard is the most under-honored president of all. I have started barroom fights when some ignorant hillbilly dared to disagree with me about Millard being the greatest president in American history. Standing up for Millard earned me a lifetime membership in the Millard Fillmore Admiration Society and it hangs right up there on my wall next to an appreciation certificate for my faithful service as Grand Bloviator of the International Bluetick Society. Yes, I remember Harry Truman and have prayed every four years for his resurrection from the dead ever since they laid him down beside his beloved Bess out there in Missouri. I also pay proper homage to George Washington but his old clacking wooden teeth could get on your nerves. Millard was good-looking and had a great set of teeth. I am an admirer of Jefferson but he sure disappointed me by cutting up with one of his slaves. Millard never owned a slave and never cut up with women unless they had a lot of money. He was so classy that he often wore frilly shirts. Can you imagine how silly George W. would look in a frilly shirt? Surely you won’t embarrass yourself by arguing with me about Millard. I have studied him down to his toenails, which were always clean and well clipped. Millard showed his brilliance in the first grade. He was a teenager before enrolling in school and immediately charmed his teacher. She fell in love with him and he didn’t even have to go to the second grade. She took him home and personally tutored him the rest of her life. By the time she died she had him so polished and smooth the Whigs selected him for president when old Zachary Taylor bit the dust unexpectedly. Are you aware that he was the first president to bring a bathtub into the White House? Twelve presidents lived there before Millard and not a one of them put enough stock in personal hygiene to install a bathtub. That proves he was more advanced than the first twelve so lets slide them right off the table without further consideration. He was not a man to brag about knowing famous people and what he accomplished. Just the other day I was in Tax Assessor Bill Bennett’s office and he had pictures on his wall of himself standing beside several presidents and famous people. I have you know the president of Oxford University sent a man over to bestow an honorary doctorate on Millard. When it was unveiled Millard took one look at it and said, “Sir, with all due respect I cannot accept this.” The Englishman was shocked and asked why. Millard replied, “Because I can’t read it.” It was written in Latin and he never put it on his wall. How long do you think it would take Curtis Adams to stick that sucker among his political souvenirs? Even when he left office Millard continued to sparkle and shine. His schoolteacher wife had died and when he got back to Buffalo he married the richest woman in town and never hit a lick at a snake the rest of his life. That’s my kind of man! He closed out his life presiding over the Buffalo Historical Society, always dressed in the finest frilled shirts money would buy. Not only was he our greatest president he was definitely the best looking, making even JFK and Clinton check in for plastic surgery. Knowing how brilliant my readers are, I am almost certain all of them will now agree with me that Millard is the greatest. But in case there is one drunk, oblivious butterfly out there flitting around in the flower garden, let me just add this: he cut the postage rate. I rest my case. ~~~~~ Dalton's website os www.daltonroberts.com and his writings are gathered at www.ipsfeatures.com.
|
