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Dalton
Roberts |
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The strongest addiction in my life has been
how-to books. Quitting cigarettes made me a basket case and getting off
the booze was not exactly a picnic but I must make a confession that
humbles me -- I have never been able to quit how-to books. The habit has escalated into buying videotapes
and DVDs. You’d better have an executive job with the Tennessee
lottery if you move up to learning via videos and DVDs. I knew the habit was out of control when I
bought a DVD titled “How to Play the Guitar Left-Handed.” Holy
mackerel, Sapphire! I’ve been trying to learn to play it right-handed
for a half century. I can’t even eat left-handed. My pal Jack Blanchard has been able to kick the
habit. He feels he now knows it all completely and is ready to write
some how-to books himself. He’s working on “How to Appear Taller By
Clenching Your Foot Muscles” and “How to Get Rich and Date Paris
Hilton While Hiding in Your Guitar Case.” I am ready to announce my “coming out of the
closet” as a how-to writer. I got to thinking, “If Jack can do it, I
can do it. He was born at Millard Fillmore Hospital in New York so he
couldn’t be smarter. Soon after birth he swiftly downgraded to a
hillbilly guitar picker and that’s what I are.” I once had a
business card that said, “Six months ago I couldn’t even spell
hillbilly star and now I are one.” You don’t have to tell me it will take a while
for me to break into the national market as a how-to author. I have
decided to start with some local mini-books. Here’s a few of my
tentative working ideas. How about ghost writing one for Hiz Honor Bob
Corker, “How To Conquer a City With Nothing But a Jackhammer”? I
might sub-title this one, “How To Get To Birchwood Without Going
Through Chattanooga.” I’ll have to work with Curtis Adams on “How
I Learned to Keep My Mouth Shut” (I think he learned it from me,
folks). By all means we need “How to Buy Water
Companies Fast” a history of Jon Kinsey. And who now remembers the early days when
opponents of the Aquarium called it “Jack’s fish tank”? We’ll
have to have “How to Get Popular Selling Cokes And Building Big Fish
Tanks,” a look at the life of Jack Lupton. For those wishing anonymity we’ll need “How
to Disappear Into Thin Air,” a brief hunt for Bill Casteel. How about “How to Get By With Anything,” a
study of William Cotton? Then I can move on up to the state level and
write “How To Go From Most Popular to Absolutely Loathed in Eight
Short Years,” a yawning look back at Don Sundquist, and “How to Get
Elected to The Legislature 27 Times and Never Do a Thing But Grin,” a
study of too many to name. Leaping over to the wide world of sports I’ll
ghost write “How to Stay Trim and Look Good on the Sidelines, “ with
Phillip Fulmer While I am on football, how about “You, Too,
Can Coach at Alabama.” After a local and state apprenticeship, surely I
will be ready for the national scene by ghost writing “How to Come in
Like a Lion and Go Out Like a Lamb” with Howard Dean and “How To Get
a Big Government Job Despite Looking Mean and Boring” with John
Ashcroft.” Let me not forget “How to Carry the South”
with Ted Kennedy, and “How To Find Hidden Weapons” with George W.
Bush. I will take time out from all these co-written
things to pen a practical economic treatise telling you “What to Do
When Gas Costs More Than Your Car.” Finally, I will go international with “From a
Throne to a Hole in the Ground” with Saddam Hussein.
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