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Dalton
Roberts |
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MAKE ME SECRETARY OF
CLONING Some kind person wrote this week, “I am
not wild about cloning unless they’re talking about you.” It sure
made me feel good and made me want to see a new job created for me. The job I want is Secretary of Cloning.
Surely they will have to create such a department in the federal
government as cloning becomes more widespread. Already they have cloned
a human just for the stem cells. As soon as they get the stem cells, the
poor clone will be going the way of the brontosaurus. Before I take the
job, I want to be sure they can clone the deceased. If I understand it,
only a few cells are needed so we should be able to find a few cells of
some great people to create a new crop of them. The first person I want to clone is Laci
Peterson. When I look at the gorgeous loving face of that woman and
think of someone killing her, every cell in my body recoils. I’d like
to make a million of her and give them to lonely men with good hearts
who would cherish her for the rest of their lives. If ever a woman
deserved the adoration of a loving loyal man, it was Laci. On the local level, I’d want to clone
John “Pop” Popham. Lord, how I miss that sparkling jewel. Five
hundred Pop Pophams would upgrade the intelligence of Hamilton County so
significantly we could instantly think of solutions to most of our
problems. It would also exponentially increase our laughter. He was so much fun! I was sitting next to
him at Blueticks one day and he had both hearing aids on but still could
not make out the conversations. He saw me watching him as he listened
with a quizzical stare and said, “I can’t hear a #&!* thing…
and it’s wonderful.” Washington D.C. is in need of more cloning
than any other part of this country. On the Republican side of the
Senate I would clone ten Barry Goldwaters, ten Robert A. Tafts, and ten
Margaret Chase Smiths. We need the Goldwaters to boost the courage
level, the Tafts to upgrade intelligence, and the Smiths to add some
moderation to the rightwing tilt. On the Democratic side I would clone ten
William Proxmires. He never would allow anyone to buy him and heaven
knows we need some of those. I’d add ten William Fullbrights for
intelligence and ten Estes Kefauvers to take on the drug industry that
is greedily destroying the joys of retirement for our old folks. In the House I would clone 150 William H.
Natchers. He was a forty-year Kentucky congressman who refused to take
special interest contributions. In one campaign he spent only $15.12. It
would take 150 of him to balance out what we’ve got now. I would clone a million of my parents, Roy
and Nora Roberts, so every kid without a mother and daddy could have the
best ones God ever made and so every kid in the area who wanted a piece
of hot cornbread and a glass of sweet tea could just walk in the kitchen
and get it, no need to knock. Now before you fire off that letter to our
national leaders urging my appointment as Secretary of Cloning, I want
you to know I do intend to use the office for some personal benefits (at
least I told you upfront). I will be cloning Chet Atkins to tutor me on
guitar (yes, I hear the sighs and the chorus of “thank the Lords”),
Minnie Pearl to coach me on story-telling, Judge Raulston Schoolfield to
tell some of his hilarious tales just one more time, and Lamar Sliger so
I can tell him how much I love him – something his unexpected death
gave me no chance to do. Please put me back to work. All I will ever
ask of you is to be Secretary of Cloning. |
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