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Dalton
Roberts |
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For a bachelor,
seeking help with your cooking through TV informercials can be
treacherous. It can cost you an arm and a leg and a big bump on your
head when you throw the phone across the room and run twenty feet
crashing headfirst into the wall. I love you so
much I don't want you to get hurt so let me tell you what happened to
me. It all started
when my Vita Mix quit after 19 years of faithful service. The Vita Mix (www.vitamix.com)
is the best thing anyone can have in the kitchen and it has kept me from
starving. It chops up vegetables, fruits and nuts of any kind and makes
things like the power drink I have on my website (www.daltonroberts.com)
I might be dead without the incredible nutrition in that easy-to-make
drink. Here's what I
think of the Vita Mix: if my house caught on fire it would be the second
thing I would get out, right behind "Epi," my lifelong guitar
companion. Wanting a quick
replacement while sending my Vita Mix to the factory, I remembered
seeing informercials about mixers and choppers so on a Sunday when the
infomercials fly out of the tube like a covey of quail, I got a pad and
pen and channel-hopped, making notes of all the units available. One was a chopper
that would do everything except run off your mother-in-law and clip your
toenails. It chops, purees, minces, smashes, walks the dog and makes
drinks. The announcer
said, "It is only $39.95, but wait! Order now and we will throw in
the blender free. Imagine all these appliances packed into one for less
than a dinner out. But wait! Order now and we will throw in four storage
cups so you can make a week's supply and store it in your refrigerator.
But wait! Everyone who orders within 30 minutes will get a year's supply
of groceries. That's right! - the chopper, the free blender and a year's
supply of groceries. But wait! Just tell us you will tell your neighbors
about this fantastic offer and we will throw in a Mercedes and our
favorite grandchild!" By this time I
was leaping gazelle-like all over the living room and writing down the
1-800 number. Between leaps I dialed it and the conversation went
something like this: "This
conversation may be taped. May we continue?" "Sure.
Homeland Security probably has a tape of it in case yours breaks." I gave her my
order and she said, "Today and today only we can also send you a 10
piece set of pots and pans for only $29.95. May we add that to your
order? After I refused
this generous offer, she tried to sell me place settings, plastic
storage containers, an alarm clock for the bathtub, an electric fly
zapper for the kitchen, a foot warmer for the dining room, a hat rack
for the foyer and if I took a 24 year warranty on the chopper, she would
personally throw in her only grandchild. I screamed,
"No! I just want the chopper!" "Sir, due to
the incredible response we are expecting to this offer it could take 4-8
weeks for us to ship. For only $9.95 we can assure you of shipping
within one week. May we add this small quick-shipping charge to your
order?" This is where I
lose every ounce of religion I have ever had and invented a string of
awful words that would make Dick Cheney blush. It's also when I got that
big bump on my head. The chopper
hasn't arrived but the two grandkids are here. Both are screaming for
food and here I sit with a knot on my head, no Valium, no Vita Mix, no
chopper and no power drink. Maybe I should
have looked for a chopper in the Sunday newspaper ads.
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