A DAY FOR BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
1-16-04
Since this is International Day of Very Good Looking Beautiful People,
how could I resist a column to celebrate such a grand occasion?
I didn't realize such a day existed until I read it on the Internet. I
am assuming you are smart enough to never question what you read on the
Internet.
If just one person had written that this is a special day for the pretty
people I might have thought he was an Internet jokester. But my inbox
was flooded with notes attesting to this fact. All my doubts were
erased. Besides it made so much sense that the gorgeous among us need
recognition.
There are those who are not gorgeous but think they are. I remember a
lady who drove a long way to come to dances here back when I had a dance
band. When I'd take a 15-minute break she'd grab me and insist I dance
with her. It was a lot like moving a piano. Dozens of brave men would
ask her to dance during the night - men with good backs accustomed to
moving pianos, farmers used to staring cows in the face. She scorned
them all. She had taken me into her confidence and told me quite
directly she was looking for a man who looked as good as she looked.
Her perfume was so strong it would instantly open all eight sinus
cavities. You'd stumble off the dance floor like a man hit with several
strong squirts of mustard gas. Your legs would buckle like Reggie White
hitting you in the bend of the knees.
Her eyelashes had something on them that hardened into weapons of male
destruction. As you danced she'd hold you close and rake your face with
them, puncturing your skin. You can imagine how far the truth would go
when you went home and your wife asked, "What happened to your
face?" and you honestly answered, "A lady raked her eyelashes
across it while pumping mustard gas into my nose."
In the mascara department, she made Tammy Bakker look ashen. A highway
crew could paint a road stripe from here to Monteagle with it. .
She was the clearest example I have ever seen of a person who thought
she was gorgeous but was just a rather cumbersome piano. No telling how
many men she afflicted with hernias.
The Freudians would say she was covering up feelings of inadequacy and
low self-esteem. I absolutely know better. She was the real thing,
totally convinced of her ravishing beauty.
A gentleman of Sand Mountain was the male equivalent of this damsel. He
smelled so strongly of a mixture of sweat and male toiletries that women
would faint in his arms on the dance floor. I desired to learn the
secret of his knockout power and followed him outside on a break. He
reached in his car and took a push-up stick of Old Spice deodorant,
applying it vigorously to the outside of his shirt in the underarm area.
He too was totally convinced of his good looks and irresistibility.
Most people have the opposite problem. They can be almost perfect but
feel flawed and ugly. You can sing them that wonderful Joe Cocker song,
"You Are So Beautiful To Me" and they will always say,
"But I am too fat!" or "My eyes are too far apart."
or "My eyes are too close together." Doggone it, if someone
who loves you tells you that you are beautiful, kiss him or her right on
the mouth and whisper, "Thank you darling."
One of the most beautiful human beings I have ever known never weighed
over 70 pounds. Polio had done a job on him. But his lovely soul and
deep blue eyes were too beautiful for words. Too bad we don't have an
International Day of Lovely Souls.
No matter what you think of your looks, you are beautiful to more people
than you will ever know.
Dalton's website is www.daltonroberts.com. His writings are all gathered
at www.IPSFeatures.com. The best place to write him is DaltonRoberts@comcast.net.
