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MAKING PEACE WITH PAIN
By Dalton Roberts
Chattanooga Times Free Press
6-21-02
Nothing is more important to our peace of mind than to make peace with
people who have brought pain to us. If we don't, we will find ourselves
reliving the pain and replaying the incidents endlessly.
Making peace may not mean making things right with them. Sometimes they
don't want peace. Sometimes they don't even care. People can do some
cruel things and go right back to washing dishes or sharpening the
blades on the lawn mower. Ted Bundy was a phone volunteer at a
counseling service similar to our Contact Ministry. He could talk a
person out of suicide one minute and bash a woman's brains out on the
way home. There's no making peace with a true monster and monsters come
in all shapes, sizes, colors, religions, genders and gradations.
Most of the people who hit us the hardest are not Ted Bundys. They are
people a lot like us who simply make decisions about us that create
great pain because we care for them. And we can find ways to deal with
that pain and actually come to peace with the situation.
You may be thinking, easier said than done. You're right, of course. But
do you want to live forever with those hot embers scorching your soul?
The person who hurt you has probably gone on with their life with little
or no thought of you but you are allowing them to monotonously mangle
you with old memories.
We don't like to admit it but we do have the power to forget. We are the
managers of our consciousness. Could it be that we are hanging on to the
embers because we love the sympathy we are getting? We have a morbid
streak that actually likes to grovel in high drama. Ever notice how we
often talk about it with great relish?
A man whose wife swiftly kicked him out of her life with little warning
poured out his heart to me. He said, "I was true to her and stood
by her every day in every way for 15 years How could she do this to
me?"
I said, "You may never know. But there are ways to look at it that
make it easier to bear and to forget. And one of those ways is to be
proud of yourself for being able to hold that much love and commitment
in your heart. Maybe she wasn't true to you but you can take comfort in
knowing you have been true to her, to your vows and to yourself."
Just learning that you are able to love is one of the richest
experiences of this life. If you can love and be true to a person who is
so emotionally shallow they can blithely dismiss you, think of how
special it will be when you find a person who appreciates a devoted and
loyal lover like you.
It's helpful to remember that all of those who hurt us do not act
deliberately but are playing out old pains from their own past. Some
people receive so little love in their early years that they do not
learn how to love. Some are abused by parents who tell them they love
them and they come to associate love and pain. They can unthinkingly
pass on similar hurt to you.
When we work through the worst part of the pain, we can dispassionately
put the pieces on the table and figure out what happened. Sometimes we
need professional help to do it and we should not be ashamed to seek it.
Don't add to your misery by flogging your own self. Chances are you did
the best you could with the mind you were toting at the time. Make peace
with yourself and it's just a matter of time until you can make peace
with the situation. The world doesn't end when the fat lady sings.
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