|
Dalton
Roberts |
||
|
If
you have never learned to pout, you have missed out on one of the most
powerful psychological weapons available in this world. Get wise to it
quick because you are going to encounter some advanced pouters. You
will find them at PTA meetings, at church, on any committee where you
lose your sanity and agree to serve, in the kitchen, the living room,
the bedroom (especially) and all over the house. Even if you have an
outdoor toilet, you will encounter them there if it is a two-seater. The
good news is, I am here to help you. I have been wrung out bone-dry as a
December gourd by pouters. Politics and other delicate human
relationships are loaded with them. I have walked the floor, begging
them, "Please tell me what I did wrong?" I have offered money
and ridiculous favors you wouldn't believe, but when a professional
pouter swings into action, they will never quit until they have pouted
their pout out. Then they will bring up the money and any other
"stuff" you promised in that manic moment when desperation
drove you to hysteria. If you act like you don't remember or say,
"I was just kidding," you will induce a brand new cycle of
pouting twice as powerful and lasting twice as long. Dr.
Zigmund Frogg says there is no cure for pouting. He wrote in How to Deal
With Pouting, Fits, Hissies and Conniptions, "Fits wear off quickly
and the only protective action required is to stay arms length from the
person, speaking to them calmly in a loving but firm voice.
Hissies are merely fits that last a little longer. You will need to
ensure your personal safety by finding a place where skillets
cannot hit you. A conniption is a hissie in high gear. It's like a
snowball full of broken glass rolling down a hill straight toward you.
If you have ever sinned, repent as you flee and if you have never
sinned, repent of those you really wanted to do." As
terrifying as this sounds Ziggmund, saved his strongest warning for
pouting: "The gravest danger you will ever face is the pouter. Even
an amateur pouter can snuff out your will to live and a professional can
make Zig Ziglar leap off the roof of the Republic Centre." There
is only one defense. Paradoxically, it is to out-pout the person. So
master these sequential steps of a good pout. Next,
stop performing routine functions you have always handled dependably.
Like cooking. Or going to work. If you do cook, sneak in your own meal
as you cook and don't eat with the person you are pouting at. Just say,
"I'm not hungry" or "I need to be alone a while."
Walk where you can be seen, hang your head down and look as tired as
possible, barely able to place one foot in front of the other. If
you haven't gotten your way by this time, try some muffled sniffling.
Barely loud enough to be audible. When you're sure they have heard you,
run to the bathroom, lock the door, and straighten your face. If
you haven't prevailed at this point, escalate your pouting to active
sniffling where you sometimes gasp for breath. If efforts are made to
comfort you, say "Can't you see I am in no condition to talk about
this!" and run to another room. The
coup de grace is to belly dive on the bed, face down into a pillow,
alternating between muffled screams and sobbing that shakes the whole
bed. Beat
the pillow and wonder loudly about your ability to face another day.
Insinuate suicide. The real
trick is not to do it too often. Never ride a gift horse to the ground. |